Wednesday, October 12, 2011


Wow. It's been a really long time since I've posted. I couldn't think of anything interesting to say.

One thing I have noticed, hanging out lately with more autistics, is that autistics tend to suck at boundaries.

It makes sense. Filters are internal boundaries and we are rather lacking in those. So how do you learn to apply boundaries outside yourself? We lack in a sense of where we end and others begin even physically. So the thoughts of putting up imaginary dividers emotionally and behaviorally is difficult.

Hell, it's difficult for NTs.

What are some basic boundaries?

* My emotions are mine to feel. You don't have to feel them just because I do. Your emotions are yours to feel. I don't feel yours just because you do. (This is a very common lack-of-boundary everywhere. I am sad because you are sad, and now I am angry that I am sad and you didn't feel sad.)

* My choices are mine to make and my consequences resulting are mine to accept. And vice versa: your choices are yours and you can live with the consequences without me trying to rescue you or fix or change it. (Another huge lack-of in general, especially in parenting!)

* Things that bother me don't have to bother you. (Another very common lack-of. You see it mostly in rules and laws where people want their pet peeves to be law so no one is allowed to do them!)

* My beliefs are mine and no one else has to believe them. (You see this lack-of in religion and politics, mostly. My belief is the only one and everyone should believe it.)

Why don't most people have boundaries? They are afraid to be alone. Boundaries seem like they would isolate you, fence you in. People would rather be blended, not quite real, a part of something else. To have boundaries is to declare who and what you are, and few people are that brave.

Boundaries do not isolate, though. They make you a real person, strong in yourself, grounded in who you are. They make you able to find others who are also strong and be friends and partners. Once you are all more real, you are also happier and more stable.


Jon A.S. said...

Uhhhhh...boundaries on what??? What the hell is that?? *laughing*

Abifae said...