Sunday, September 27, 2009


I've meditated since I was a child. Really, flapping and pacing and overstimming is meditation for all autistics. We just happen to meditate kinetically. Still my prefered method, through yoga and dance. I don't often sit still to meditate or say pretty words or any of those fancy things. I just do it. More natural to me than breathing. When I meditate, I don't get my breathe/swallow sequence confused and choke on my own spit.

At some point in high school, I finally read about meditation. It talked about clearing thoughts and finding your center. Since this time, I assumed that when you meditate and clear thoughts that the thoughts should stay clear for days. You bring the clarity back with you. So I figured I sucked at meditation.

Apparently, it is only clear while you concentrate so you feel relaxed and refreshed after, like a nice nap ought to do. Only better because you don't dream.

Why, one might wonder, did I think the clarity should be brought back and last forever? Because that is how I meditate. I drop down to the depths of myself, wrap myself in the dark and comfort there like a warm blanket, and bring the blanket up with me so I can stay wrapped in that comfort all day while I work and do all my stuff. Part of me is always in the meditative state, renewing the blanket, while the rest of me does daily living stuff. When I actually concentrate on it, I find clarity in the dark fire of my soul that I can't find anywhere else, and I feel loved and whole and well.

I got very curious about how other people meditate. I thought I meditated like everyone did. It never occurred to me that there was any other way to meditate. Until I read about it and thought I was doing it all wrong. I tried the "clearing the thoughts" method a bit but gave up on it as something I'd never succeed at and went back to my warm blanket.

I wonder if my method might be closer to the way a buddhist monk would do it. I also wonder if I'd get more answers to my questions if I went to live in a buddhist monastary. I don't find many people who have any clue what I am ever talking about, let alone able to delve even deeper into my questions.

Mostly I wonder why I only feel whole and loved when I'm sinking so deep into myself I can forget the outside world, and I walk in the other worlds I see and feel. (When I say forget, I do mean forget!) What is it about interacting in this world that is so caustic and scratches with sharp angry bristles until you burn and bleed?And it isn't the entire world. I'm fine away from cement and from humans. I'm fine out in nature. I'm fine among my people. It's just surrounded by the human artifacts and human people that I drown in the echoes from their thoughts that are so disjointed against their words that are again so disjointed around their actions.

So I'll just wrap in my warm blanket and keep trying. I'm sure there is some little trick to coping with the outside world if I can just find it.

Hoorah for autism. Let's get rid of filters and just let the world bombard us from every angle! And then try to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society so that we have any hope of survival! WHEEE!

*sinks into the dark*

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Health Care

So my friend posted this to me. I guess it's going around Facebook (that sounds like a flue or something that encourages hand washing). So and so "believes no one should have to chose between food and health care, and no one should have to worry about insurability because of a doctor's diagnosis"


One can always tell something fishy is going on when they see "should". It usually points to unthinking repetition of catch phrases. Just add first person perspective. No thinking needed.

Apparently the health care issue is the big "thing" right now. I don't see why. There's a very simple cure: everyone can just cancel their insurance. Destroy the part causing the biggest issues. Once again, we have created a problem and refuse to do anything to correct it. We're just going to tack things on around it to hide the problem. Bandaids for cancer, anyone?

We vote with our pocket books and no one seems to remember this fact. If you are upset that people put poisonous chemicals in your food via white sugar and processing, don't buy it. If you don't like what insurance has done to health care, don't buy it.

Or, wacky thought, choose good food over health care and quit buying poison that causes most of the ailments that cause you to need a doctor!

I haven't had insurance in a very long time and haven't suffered in any way from this. I put my money into a healthy life style, full of unprocessed, as organic as possible foods.

Of course, I'm a radical. I have no debt. I have no car. I have no desire to drive. I'm working on moving to an area of Colorado where I won't need to borrow rides from friends as often. Silly to not own a car just to bum rides. I'm even fixed, so I can't contribute to the population crisis.

National health care that still involves insurance is going to just be more of the same. Only worse, because they'll take away our right to not be insured. If they're going to force me to put money into a system I want no part of, that's crap.

Although I have long since come to realize that we don't even have rights over our own bodies. It was quite a fight to get fixed. Luckily, my uterus was bad so it was medically allowed. The tried to convince me it was fine, and then when they had no choice but to admit it was broken, they tried to convince me to try hormone therapy. For the few years I had insurance, I used the system to make sure I wouldn't further NEED the system. Truth is, if I haven't the right to end my own life, I know that my body belongs to the state. They are the ones regulating what I can do to it. And if I don't even own my body, what do I own? What is the point in all the "freedoms" we think we have?

Americans are terrified to own themselves and so we give ourselves away like terrified whores, hoping Big Brother will solve all our problems and we won't even have to think. Just tell me what to do, and I'll obey.

This from a country that started out with the revolutionary idea of laissez-faire and as little government as possible. It's sad.