the Fear Factor

It seems to me that autism is a very fear based disorder. All the neurological components eat at the ability to process past fear. Lack of filters and natural structure. Lack of social skills required to create a network of support. Irregulations in hormone balance. Heightened sensory input.

Constant bombardment from the world until we have to flee.

We create anything we can to simulate filters and structure. We overstim and shut down. We make enough noise to block out the noise that other have natural filters for. That handy thing where once a sensation is there a while it gets blocked out... not so much. We feel it and feel it and feel it unless we out shout it or shut down enough we can't feel anything.

How do you tell the difference between avoiding something due to rational processing versus due to fear? They feel an awful lot alike. The results are similar. They both take an act of bravery to push through. They both leave the bad taste of cowardice.

It forces one to create a new line of questioning: If someone walked you through could you do it? Would it be possible if certain factors were removed? What would you need to be able to do this? Could you do it with anti anxiety drugs?

Maybe it's because I'm autistic, but cowardice is second only to lying in things that make you worthless.

Perseveration and avoidance tend to be fear based. Hermitude. Stimming out the world. Shutting out the world.

I'm just not sure I understand that balance. Some things one fears because it actually presents a danger. Some things are dangerous only until one has the skills to do it safely. Some things you fear just because you have nothing better to do, or out of habit. Some things are feared only for being new. Others are feared due to a bad experience. I can't help but wonder if the sorting is easier for those with categories and filters.

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.

And since when is the feeling of dying inside a bad sign?!? I have to admit a great deal of confusion. How can it be a sign of depression when one feels awe and wonder at everything and always has reasons to be joyous? Why can't you have non stop pain so intense everything inside screams even while it's dancing in pleasure? And why do people get upset when you know that some day it will stop and you can rest or be done and that's just as joyous as every day being a sensory orgy?

Why does pain have to be a stopper? Can't it just be there too? Along with the laughter and fear and joy and tears and everything else that seems to always be there? Or is this another filter thing?

If it's a filter thing than, once again, autism wins!