Sunday, October 25, 2009

my not crazy list

So that I am not crazy, I have devised a list to sort out what is real and what is not. Since I was asked to post it, I have and I'll even explain things!

things that always seem real:

Shadow World
My People
Deep/Intense Emotions
the Dark

*Shadow World and the fae world are the worlds I always see superimposed on this one. Sometimes fae world does not seem real. Shadow world ALWAYS does. Shadow world is, perhaps, another universe that overlays this one. It is sorta like this one, only muggier and more big trees and the people aren't living in cities. It's tribal still. Lots of wars. They pass stuff on through stories and dance and believe in little gods and um. It's just a good place. Sometimes things interact and usually we pass one another like shadows. But they watch me. Sometimes I think I was born there and accidentally traded places with someone here. But I'm not sure. It feels like home.

*My people are any people I can see and connect with enough that I know they are there. Or people I feel close to so while I assume I've invented them, I'm most pleased with the invention and keep them around.

*Pain and deep emotions seem obvious to me, at least... But shallow up high emotions don't usually seem real. They are just quick reactions. So they don't make the real list.

*the Dark is my term for the deepest part of my soul where I drop through all the layers of me until I find my center and my calm.

and in the Dark, things that seem true:

Being an Atom/No Importance

*Um. Not sure what needs explained. Solitude is where we all are, but we can feel affection and get some relief from it. And being an atom is just that. We are a tiny part of all that is and so we don't really matter in the grand scheme which is a HUGE relief to me.

things that never seem real or true, or are only distorted reflections thereof:
the body
stories (memories, books, movies, talking)
passage of time

*distorted reflections of true things... those would be words, interactions, social structure, stories, time, needs, rewards and punishments... I'm sure they are based on reality in some fashion but it comes out all distorted and messed up.

*the one everyone blinks in confusion at is "cement". Yes, cement! It surrounds you and cuts you off and you cannot feel the world and you are trapped and it sucks the life out of everything.

Randomly, and for the record, I find communication a reflection of reality but certain communications feel more real to me. For example, I find that emotions are all best expressed physically. If I am happy I squee and spin and twirl and run and bounce. If I am angry I snarl and stomp and huff and throw things. If I miss you I'm likely to gnaw on you or bite you gently. If I don't want to talk I cover your mouth and turn away. No ambiguity. The confusion is only when words get involved.

So, now I am not crazy cuz I have a list of what's real and I'll carry it with me and when people say "you are crazy", I can pull out my list and say "no I'm not, see??"


Oh! I found out today that "wrong" has LAYERS to most people. Levels. Differences. For me it is really simple. Things are true, reflections of truth, or they're untrue. Things go with the flow of nature and help the universe click together, or they are wrong. I don't understand this "more wrong than something" concept.

It's with or against the natural flow. What else is there to know?


debra said...

YOWZA!!! You are saying so much...but what really got me was the whole communication thing...cement totally blows...we cover up nature and wonder why we are chocked and suffocating...*sigh* very well said...*steals list*

Abifae said...

you can copy the list. if you steals it how will i have it as proof of my sanity???

Jon A.S. said...

Hey Abi...this list rocks!!! I love the way it goes with the flow...sanity is just so

Abifae said...

hey jonas :)

it goes with the flow? it sorta sets the flow, maybe. *laughing*

Kristin said...

ooh the list.. i love this list. It is the best list i think i have ever seen. and upon pondering and wondering and discussing Ive decided that it is true as well as good. So i copy the list for my own sanity which is in doubt these days and tuck it away in my pocket. Also the layers.. i will have to define things more thoroughly i think *ponders and sighs and wonders some more*

Abifae said...

yeh! ms "wrong has layers" that hurt my brain :D do ponder and get back to me!! glad you liked it :) i have increased sanity for many. bwahahaha.