Sunday, September 27, 2009


I've meditated since I was a child. Really, flapping and pacing and overstimming is meditation for all autistics. We just happen to meditate kinetically. Still my prefered method, through yoga and dance. I don't often sit still to meditate or say pretty words or any of those fancy things. I just do it. More natural to me than breathing. When I meditate, I don't get my breathe/swallow sequence confused and choke on my own spit.

At some point in high school, I finally read about meditation. It talked about clearing thoughts and finding your center. Since this time, I assumed that when you meditate and clear thoughts that the thoughts should stay clear for days. You bring the clarity back with you. So I figured I sucked at meditation.

Apparently, it is only clear while you concentrate so you feel relaxed and refreshed after, like a nice nap ought to do. Only better because you don't dream.

Why, one might wonder, did I think the clarity should be brought back and last forever? Because that is how I meditate. I drop down to the depths of myself, wrap myself in the dark and comfort there like a warm blanket, and bring the blanket up with me so I can stay wrapped in that comfort all day while I work and do all my stuff. Part of me is always in the meditative state, renewing the blanket, while the rest of me does daily living stuff. When I actually concentrate on it, I find clarity in the dark fire of my soul that I can't find anywhere else, and I feel loved and whole and well.

I got very curious about how other people meditate. I thought I meditated like everyone did. It never occurred to me that there was any other way to meditate. Until I read about it and thought I was doing it all wrong. I tried the "clearing the thoughts" method a bit but gave up on it as something I'd never succeed at and went back to my warm blanket.

I wonder if my method might be closer to the way a buddhist monk would do it. I also wonder if I'd get more answers to my questions if I went to live in a buddhist monastary. I don't find many people who have any clue what I am ever talking about, let alone able to delve even deeper into my questions.

Mostly I wonder why I only feel whole and loved when I'm sinking so deep into myself I can forget the outside world, and I walk in the other worlds I see and feel. (When I say forget, I do mean forget!) What is it about interacting in this world that is so caustic and scratches with sharp angry bristles until you burn and bleed?And it isn't the entire world. I'm fine away from cement and from humans. I'm fine out in nature. I'm fine among my people. It's just surrounded by the human artifacts and human people that I drown in the echoes from their thoughts that are so disjointed against their words that are again so disjointed around their actions.

So I'll just wrap in my warm blanket and keep trying. I'm sure there is some little trick to coping with the outside world if I can just find it.

Hoorah for autism. Let's get rid of filters and just let the world bombard us from every angle! And then try to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society so that we have any hope of survival! WHEEE!

*sinks into the dark*


Jon A.S. said...

Hey Abi,

When I feel relaxed, I just sink into a day dream for a few minutes and go back into the real world...but that's just me...


Abifae said...

That works!! I invert. It is easier for me to hang out in the deeper meditative places than the outside waking world. Of course, I bring dreams back with me from sleep too ;)

Unknown said...

I love it...very articulate! I day dream constantly, now I am wondering if that is MY form of meditation. :)

Abifae said...

i do think daydreaming is the most common form of meditation :)

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Abifae said...

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed :)

laura said...

Hi Abifae,

I am glad i stumbled across you. I was doing a search on meditation techniques for people with Autism. I am experienced in meditation and i work in a special school with post 16 students and have been asked to to some sessions with the students. I wanted to find some information because i would need to talor my teaching technique to teach people with autism. I know that people with autism have anxieties about the world outside but wasn't sure about how to go about teaching them to go inside. would it be too much to ask them to focus on one particular point do you think?
Have you ever tried fucussing on your heart in meditation? This is the technique i use as tought to me by my spiritual master. The heart is the place the soul dwells and the soul is of the nature of love and bliss. this is why you have had feelings of love and safely in meditation. Sometimes you might have a sensation of going home. You soul is your higher self i might feel like a long lost part of you. This love is a love beyond all conditions. You could also try to make the love expand into the world and this may help you to feel love while moving around in the world.
I would love to hear back for you.
My email is
thanks again

Abifae said...

I'm not sure I believe in souls. But I do believe in love; just not how most people do it. Buddhists do it much more right lol.