One reason I don't blog often is because I don't often feel lucid. It's rather difficult to focus down enough to write about autism and studies and things I am studying. I understand it, in my head, but being coherent when trying to explain what I know is a very different story.
I firmly believe that autism, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder are closely related. Possibly the same disorder that just presents in different ways, depending on the fetus development. They have so many overlaying features, hallucinations and delusions being part of it.
Many autistics I know will tell me they don't have hallucinations, they just have hyperactive senses that display things long after they are no longer seen. So you see things that are not there? No, I see things that used to be there, because my senses don't let go. I fail to distinguish. Ditto for sounds and smells and other sensory input. Autistics are not allowed to have hallucinations. That is for crazy people like schizophrenics. So we will label hallucinations something else, to keep us from being crazy.
I am most certainly autistic and I freely admit, I hallucinate.
Sure, there are all my curiousities about reality. Perhaps I am seeing into another world and it overlays this one and so it isn't a lack of sanity but a surplus of senses. Maybe so. Maybe that conviction is a delusion. In any case, when the other worlds overlay this one so strongly that I have to work hard to keep this world solid enough to function in, I lose a lot of lucidity.
Being rather feral, I am tossed about by the seasons and the moon. My senses register a wider range than NTs and I spend a lot of time being paranoid and wanting to run.
And then I ignore my blog until I am lucid enough to right. Or until I've run off enough extra energy to focus a bit. I walked about four miles under the full moon and can almost think in a straight line. Exercise always helps me focus.
In any case, poor neglected blog. Had to write something. My writing of late is fragmented, not remembering how to use all the words. Verbs and nouns are all speech needs. Feral speak, I consider it. So here are some words.
Perhaps I'll write more about the worlds in my head at some point.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Cat Cloak
I asked my niece what I could make for her because her sister requested a Gir hoodie (I need pics of that!). She asked for a medieval cloak that looked like a cat.
So being the indulgent auntie, off I went to find fabric. I got the cloak to her, very oddly, in time for her birthday. I'm more the random gift giver. Prezzies on days don't tend to happen.
In any case, here it is!!
The full view of the cloak. It even has a tail :D
Close up of the hood!
It's so spiffy! Now I want one. ^_^
And it's lined so it will be super warm in the winter. And machine washable. Hoorah!!
And it's genuine cat fur. At least, my cat slept on it every day the fabric was in the house. So there is real cat fur in there. Close enough, neh?
So being the indulgent auntie, off I went to find fabric. I got the cloak to her, very oddly, in time for her birthday. I'm more the random gift giver. Prezzies on days don't tend to happen.
In any case, here it is!!
The full view of the cloak. It even has a tail :D
Close up of the hood!
It's so spiffy! Now I want one. ^_^
And it's lined so it will be super warm in the winter. And machine washable. Hoorah!!
And it's genuine cat fur. At least, my cat slept on it every day the fabric was in the house. So there is real cat fur in there. Close enough, neh?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Childlike Joy
I was reading in my yoga journal today about squealing with joy more often, taking a child's delight in the world.
That is certainly one place that autism rocks. We tend to be more childlike with all that developmental delay we've got going. I'm pretty sure that I tend to be about eight years old on the emotional and moral scales. I certainly delight in little things that most adults have become immune to.
Rest assured, the joy is contagious! When I worked at a hospital and ran to watch the sun rise most mornings. My patients got into the act and my co-workers as well. They'd mostly forgotten how pretty and magical sunrise was. How so, when it rises every day? I saw it as a daily reminder of the beauty and magic of life and they got used to it. Well, without filters, I can't get used to it. ^.^
Score one for autism!
I still dance in the rain, squee at shiny objects, collect bird feathers and, in general, make an absolute goober out of myself at everything that catches my interest. Granted that many NTs do as well, it seems to be something easier for autistics because we don't outgrow much.
The downside? Well, I still throw temper tantrums like an eight year old although I've had to learn to suppress most of the screaming and lighting of fires. Sometimes I remember that life isn't fair and have to throw a bit of a fit over it, even though my 32 years of experience already understands this cognitively. It is very odd, sometimes, to have such dissonance between emotional and cognitive understandings! Or, as I usually shout at people who try to explain things to me, "Well I know it in my head, just not my heart!"
Overall, though, it's more than worth it. I wouldn't want to be able to get used to pretty sunsets and lose my fascination with foggy mornings.
That is certainly one place that autism rocks. We tend to be more childlike with all that developmental delay we've got going. I'm pretty sure that I tend to be about eight years old on the emotional and moral scales. I certainly delight in little things that most adults have become immune to.
Rest assured, the joy is contagious! When I worked at a hospital and ran to watch the sun rise most mornings. My patients got into the act and my co-workers as well. They'd mostly forgotten how pretty and magical sunrise was. How so, when it rises every day? I saw it as a daily reminder of the beauty and magic of life and they got used to it. Well, without filters, I can't get used to it. ^.^
Score one for autism!
I still dance in the rain, squee at shiny objects, collect bird feathers and, in general, make an absolute goober out of myself at everything that catches my interest. Granted that many NTs do as well, it seems to be something easier for autistics because we don't outgrow much.
The downside? Well, I still throw temper tantrums like an eight year old although I've had to learn to suppress most of the screaming and lighting of fires. Sometimes I remember that life isn't fair and have to throw a bit of a fit over it, even though my 32 years of experience already understands this cognitively. It is very odd, sometimes, to have such dissonance between emotional and cognitive understandings! Or, as I usually shout at people who try to explain things to me, "Well I know it in my head, just not my heart!"
Overall, though, it's more than worth it. I wouldn't want to be able to get used to pretty sunsets and lose my fascination with foggy mornings.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Evening Shifts
I am now on an evening shift. 3-10. I love the hours. I can sleep in til a decent hour and still fit in my yoga and dance practice with my friend.
The only negative is figuring out dinner. If dinner is around 7... that means all my weekday meals end up having to be crock pot or precooked. This isn't the end of the world, but I'm still getting my schedule matching to do this.
I am growing, which means hormones, which means my autistic little brain is in short circuit mode. Which means that it is being absurdly difficult for me to wrap my brain around the new shift. It really isn't difficult to cook for but I'm just having issues with it. Hopefully I'll get myself sorted out soon. I have these lovely menus and I have the same days off still. So I ought to be able to do the menu on Thursday, like I have been all year - no change! - and make this work.
I don't know what my issue is with it. Silly brain. Must beat it now.
I managed to have one of my weird seizure episodes without any jaundice!! This is rare indeed and shows that the diet is effective. This is a huge bonus in my life. The entire point of my exceedingly strict, low carb diet is to take the stress off of my liver the rest of the month so that these episodes don't shut it down. Jaundice gets old, fast.
Ooh! I nearly forgot, my low carb ice cream was fairly successful! I made custard (eggs, cream, stevia) and put it in the ice cream maker. Added some chopped bittersweet chocolate towards the end... Needs a little bit of work but I was satisfied. More imporantly, I am confident that a carb-free or very low carb ice cream is possible and quite simple. Hoorah!
It is, of course, as is the rest of my diet, far more expensive than doing it the usual way, but health and good food are worth the extra expense, yes? I figure it is still cheaper than health insurance and medication. I'm getting more stable through good diet and it isn't going to destroy my organs. In fact, it seems to be improving my liver and kidneys. Let's hear it for paying attention to the body!
I'm slowly adding more recipes to my recipezaar site. A cookbook cannot be far behind! So long as by "far behind" you mean "sometimes in the next ten years". If that's the case, I'll be right on time! My Auntie Zilla needs to get me more test recipes! I'll blame her for my lack of cookbook. Ha. It's good to have someone friendly to blame :)
The only negative is figuring out dinner. If dinner is around 7... that means all my weekday meals end up having to be crock pot or precooked. This isn't the end of the world, but I'm still getting my schedule matching to do this.
I am growing, which means hormones, which means my autistic little brain is in short circuit mode. Which means that it is being absurdly difficult for me to wrap my brain around the new shift. It really isn't difficult to cook for but I'm just having issues with it. Hopefully I'll get myself sorted out soon. I have these lovely menus and I have the same days off still. So I ought to be able to do the menu on Thursday, like I have been all year - no change! - and make this work.
I don't know what my issue is with it. Silly brain. Must beat it now.
I managed to have one of my weird seizure episodes without any jaundice!! This is rare indeed and shows that the diet is effective. This is a huge bonus in my life. The entire point of my exceedingly strict, low carb diet is to take the stress off of my liver the rest of the month so that these episodes don't shut it down. Jaundice gets old, fast.
Ooh! I nearly forgot, my low carb ice cream was fairly successful! I made custard (eggs, cream, stevia) and put it in the ice cream maker. Added some chopped bittersweet chocolate towards the end... Needs a little bit of work but I was satisfied. More imporantly, I am confident that a carb-free or very low carb ice cream is possible and quite simple. Hoorah!
It is, of course, as is the rest of my diet, far more expensive than doing it the usual way, but health and good food are worth the extra expense, yes? I figure it is still cheaper than health insurance and medication. I'm getting more stable through good diet and it isn't going to destroy my organs. In fact, it seems to be improving my liver and kidneys. Let's hear it for paying attention to the body!
I'm slowly adding more recipes to my recipezaar site. A cookbook cannot be far behind! So long as by "far behind" you mean "sometimes in the next ten years". If that's the case, I'll be right on time! My Auntie Zilla needs to get me more test recipes! I'll blame her for my lack of cookbook. Ha. It's good to have someone friendly to blame :)
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
wow! a post!
I haven't written in quite a while because everything keeps changing, and I've been busy trying to deal with it. All change is bad, even when it's good.
I have moved, had a schedule change after several weeks of too few hours, and dealt with friends moving away. Most of the changes have been good, but it's still a strain. I'm still adjusting to my new shift at work, but I love the new shift. It is later in the day so that I have more time for dance and yoga, which means I am better focused all together. I am still trying to get the timing right on cooking so that we all have dinner, but I work 3-10 now so it'll be another week, probably, before I really get into the swing of things. I foresee much crock pot and pre-cooking and freezing.
Speaking of my favorite hobby, I want to learn to make exquisite bento boxes! I'd been doing bento for my roommate for work, but I want to make “kawaii” bento, the cutesy version. Since I can't eat rice, I'll have time to collect supplies while I collect people to cook for. My hours are picking up again so it shouldn't be too hard to afford a few rice moulds and punches for seaweed for decoration. I'll start posting pics here as I make them.
I'd love to be able to send my nieces off to school with proper obnoxiously cute bento, but I live a few hours away. So I'll have to figure something out. Luckily, I have friends in town to experiment on. Bwahahaha. And maybe on weekends when we visit, I can leave a few bentos with my nieces. Since I am planning on more frequent visits, hopefully they'll get lots of bento treats.
I have moved, had a schedule change after several weeks of too few hours, and dealt with friends moving away. Most of the changes have been good, but it's still a strain. I'm still adjusting to my new shift at work, but I love the new shift. It is later in the day so that I have more time for dance and yoga, which means I am better focused all together. I am still trying to get the timing right on cooking so that we all have dinner, but I work 3-10 now so it'll be another week, probably, before I really get into the swing of things. I foresee much crock pot and pre-cooking and freezing.
Speaking of my favorite hobby, I want to learn to make exquisite bento boxes! I'd been doing bento for my roommate for work, but I want to make “kawaii” bento, the cutesy version. Since I can't eat rice, I'll have time to collect supplies while I collect people to cook for. My hours are picking up again so it shouldn't be too hard to afford a few rice moulds and punches for seaweed for decoration. I'll start posting pics here as I make them.
I'd love to be able to send my nieces off to school with proper obnoxiously cute bento, but I live a few hours away. So I'll have to figure something out. Luckily, I have friends in town to experiment on. Bwahahaha. And maybe on weekends when we visit, I can leave a few bentos with my nieces. Since I am planning on more frequent visits, hopefully they'll get lots of bento treats.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Yikes! New Computer!!
I have been needing a new computer for my job since I started my job. They upgraded almost immediately after I started, thus making my system obsolete. I've been saving up to get this since I got my first paycheck. I finally was able to get my new system. 3.01 GHz and 4 GB of RAM. 500 GB memory. So this is fantastic.
Nonetheless, when I got it set up for work I panicked. When they removed my VPN from my laptop I panicked more. And I was nearly in tears getting ready to use my new computer.
Why? Because All Change Is Bad, even when it is good, and when one is expecting it.
Luckily, I found this very amusing. If you can't laugh at yourself, you'll never get the joke! And autistics are funny as hell. Flap flap. New computer! Oh noes!
Despite the fear and panic and flapping, today went very well with the new system. It was wonderful to have less lag and fewer other issues. Life is happier! Which I knew beforehand or I wouldn't have gotten the new system. Which makes the panic that much more amusing.
So now we can all have a good laugh and watch Abi panic at the upcoming changes in her world!
Nonetheless, when I got it set up for work I panicked. When they removed my VPN from my laptop I panicked more. And I was nearly in tears getting ready to use my new computer.
Why? Because All Change Is Bad, even when it is good, and when one is expecting it.
Luckily, I found this very amusing. If you can't laugh at yourself, you'll never get the joke! And autistics are funny as hell. Flap flap. New computer! Oh noes!
Despite the fear and panic and flapping, today went very well with the new system. It was wonderful to have less lag and fewer other issues. Life is happier! Which I knew beforehand or I wouldn't have gotten the new system. Which makes the panic that much more amusing.
So now we can all have a good laugh and watch Abi panic at the upcoming changes in her world!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Spring Cleaning!
I actually wax enthusiastic on Spring Cleaning.
I love going through everything and getting rid of stuff I don't need, giving the house a good deep cleaning (I do Autumn Cleaning too), and letting the musty smells of winter escape out open windows with the brisk March winds!!
There is something very satisfying about clean. Most chores aren't necessarily *fun*, but they are definitely worthwhile when I see the results.
Oddly, I actually enjoy dishes (I do them all by hand) and laundry (hanging them out on the line, folding them, making them fit into drawers in happy tetris like efficiency). The other chores I'm certainly willing to do, but it isn't with as much joy.
In "The Miracle of Mindfulness" there is a time when a man is told, "There are two ways to do dishes. You can do dishes to get clean dishes, or you can do dishes to do the dishes."
I definitely do dishes to do the dishes. And laundry to do the laundry. I try to live the philosophy in all the other chores, but some are more difficult than others. Today I did clean out the refrigerator to clean out the refrigerator. It was very relaxing.
In a perfect world, I'd be able to drop work this week and spend it all cleaning and have the entire house spotless. However, I have work. And I have roommates who don't really want me running rampant over their areas of the house. So I have to be content with cleaning my kitchen, the living room, and my bedroom. It is good.
I love going through everything and getting rid of stuff I don't need, giving the house a good deep cleaning (I do Autumn Cleaning too), and letting the musty smells of winter escape out open windows with the brisk March winds!!
There is something very satisfying about clean. Most chores aren't necessarily *fun*, but they are definitely worthwhile when I see the results.
Oddly, I actually enjoy dishes (I do them all by hand) and laundry (hanging them out on the line, folding them, making them fit into drawers in happy tetris like efficiency). The other chores I'm certainly willing to do, but it isn't with as much joy.
In "The Miracle of Mindfulness" there is a time when a man is told, "There are two ways to do dishes. You can do dishes to get clean dishes, or you can do dishes to do the dishes."
I definitely do dishes to do the dishes. And laundry to do the laundry. I try to live the philosophy in all the other chores, but some are more difficult than others. Today I did clean out the refrigerator to clean out the refrigerator. It was very relaxing.
In a perfect world, I'd be able to drop work this week and spend it all cleaning and have the entire house spotless. However, I have work. And I have roommates who don't really want me running rampant over their areas of the house. So I have to be content with cleaning my kitchen, the living room, and my bedroom. It is good.
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