I actually wax enthusiastic on Spring Cleaning.
I love going through everything and getting rid of stuff I don't need, giving the house a good deep cleaning (I do Autumn Cleaning too), and letting the musty smells of winter escape out open windows with the brisk March winds!!
There is something very satisfying about clean. Most chores aren't necessarily *fun*, but they are definitely worthwhile when I see the results.
Oddly, I actually enjoy dishes (I do them all by hand) and laundry (hanging them out on the line, folding them, making them fit into drawers in happy tetris like efficiency). The other chores I'm certainly willing to do, but it isn't with as much joy.
In "The Miracle of Mindfulness" there is a time when a man is told, "There are two ways to do dishes. You can do dishes to get clean dishes, or you can do dishes to do the dishes."
I definitely do dishes to do the dishes. And laundry to do the laundry. I try to live the philosophy in all the other chores, but some are more difficult than others. Today I did clean out the refrigerator to clean out the refrigerator. It was very relaxing.
In a perfect world, I'd be able to drop work this week and spend it all cleaning and have the entire house spotless. However, I have work. And I have roommates who don't really want me running rampant over their areas of the house. So I have to be content with cleaning my kitchen, the living room, and my bedroom. It is good.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Experimental Food
Happy St Paddy's Day! In celebration of beef sales, I corned my own beef. I cut the sugar and salt in the recipe and added Irish tea. The brine tastes pretty good. Let's hope the results are good too!
For dessert, I started with this recipe, and removed all the sugar. My body's reaction to sugar grows more severe all the time and I cannot even handle agave nectar. I use stevia or nothing. So here is how I did it:
They poofed tremendously! Far more than they had when I'd put agave in. They are also drier, which I was fully expecting. Obviously, further experiment needs done.
I am frosting them with a very simple cream cheese frosting:
Luckily, everyone I cook for approves of experimentation so that I can end up with more foods I'm allowed to eat. Having a strict diet is a pain in the ass if you can't cook.
For dessert, I started with this recipe, and removed all the sugar. My body's reaction to sugar grows more severe all the time and I cannot even handle agave nectar. I use stevia or nothing. So here is how I did it:
- 3/4 cup coconut flour
- 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
- 1 teaspoon sea salt
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 10 eggs
- 2 cups grapeseed oil
- 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 teaspoon mint extract
They poofed tremendously! Far more than they had when I'd put agave in. They are also drier, which I was fully expecting. Obviously, further experiment needs done.
I am frosting them with a very simple cream cheese frosting:
- 8 oz cream cheese
- 1/2 stick unsalted butter
- 1/2 t stevia
- 1/2 T vanilla
- 4 oz chopped mint leaves
- 1/2 bar of 100% cacao unsweetened chocolate (3 oz?) - melted
Luckily, everyone I cook for approves of experimentation so that I can end up with more foods I'm allowed to eat. Having a strict diet is a pain in the ass if you can't cook.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Goodbye Old Friend
My best friend passed away Tuesday. She is one of the most amazing people I've ever known and I will always miss her. To know Darya was to love Darya. I don't know of anyone who felt anything negative toward her. She was just such an open, loving, caring person that everyone felt drawn to her. Even her nurses are going to her memorial.
She was diagnosed with cancer in August of '08 and I've spent every weekend I could since making sure I told her everything that I knew I'd want her to know (I called weekly and anyone who knows my phone aversion may now be shocked). Mostly how much I loved her, but also all the little things. About me and all the things I was hoping for and thinking about. About death and her joys and fears. About her family and how they would cope. We joked about her being so wonderful the gods wanted her back (I told her she wouldn't have gotten cancer if she'd been more of an asshole so the gods would have ignored her). We discussed the things she would learn if there is something after this life, and my envy of that. I'm not sure there was a topic we didn't cover in the last six months. Not that I've ever been shy about telling her anything and everything.
Apparently, I was the only person who was just talking to her like a friend. Most people, it seems, were scared of her dying. Not of her being ill, but of death itself. Death has never bothered me. She was unafraid of death. It's the most natural thing in the world. We're all going to die. I could die walking out my door tomorrow and being hit by a car. The only difference was that she had a more or less time frame for her demise. I think they were mad at her for leaving them, too. As though she chose cancer.
I feel lucky that I knew I had only so much time with her so that I had a chance to tell her how I felt about her and how much I'd miss her. I know I'll cherish all the time we did have together and I can't imagine that I will ever stop missing her. She's one of three people who know me and understand me and love me, that I never feel alien or awkward around, and who I feel real around.
Mourning is all about selfishness. I'll be alone now. I won't have Dar to talk to. I won't be able to do things with her... me me me. But that's not a bad thing. Mourning is important. You have to adjust to someone not being there anymore and learning that you can be okay without them. However, I don't cope well with people getting weepy about her death who never knew her. I think it's weird and invasive. They can't miss her, they didn't know her. I've been told that it reminds people that they will die, and their loved ones will die, and this makes them sad; some people over-empathize, and others just need the drama. If I squint just right, I can make sense out of the empathy.
I am pretty angry about the situation. Not at Darya. At her "friends". It seems to me that most of them expected her to take care of them forever. She was that sort of person; the one that people turn to for comfort and for help. But when it came down to it, those people didn't turn around and give back. I doubt she ever regretted giving, but I know for a fact she felt bad that people didn't give to her.
One of the things we talked about was that no one was willing to pitch in and help her when they thought she was just tired. Once she had Cancer, well that was something real. And scary. So they backed quietly away. I don't understand that at all. I think love means something very different to me than it does to most people. For everyone who said they loved her and cared about her, very few people came through for her when she needed them. Her family was there, despite their fears and grief.
Realizing now that the last year she was probably getting sicker and sicker, it is easy to understand why she was needing more and more help around the house and had so little energy. I tried to get to her house at least a couple times a month to help her catch up laundry and do little chores, cook her dinner... Just be with her and help her out. I didn't know she was sick, but it never matters to me. My people are my people and I will do anything I can to make their lives easier. I thought she was just worn out from raising two kids and having her husband on the road trying to keep food on the table. That seemed like plenty enough reason to me to help her out. Knowing what I do now, I am even more glad I took the time I did to help where I could. It never seemed like much - work took so much energy - but I know it made her happy.
But it is why I won't go to her memorial. I seriously doubt my ability to be polite to her "friends" who are so sad she is gone and wish they'd had more time with her. Where the hell were they the last six months, then? Where were they the six months before when she was getting sick? As far as I can see, they wanted her when they needed something but when she needed them, they had better things to do. But the death is too new for me to make a scene and make it harder on her family (who *were* there for her, so they deserve better).
So here is my memorial to Dar: You are the mother goddess incarnate. You are love and growth and understanding. You are springtime and early summer. You were my balance. You will be missed.
She was diagnosed with cancer in August of '08 and I've spent every weekend I could since making sure I told her everything that I knew I'd want her to know (I called weekly and anyone who knows my phone aversion may now be shocked). Mostly how much I loved her, but also all the little things. About me and all the things I was hoping for and thinking about. About death and her joys and fears. About her family and how they would cope. We joked about her being so wonderful the gods wanted her back (I told her she wouldn't have gotten cancer if she'd been more of an asshole so the gods would have ignored her). We discussed the things she would learn if there is something after this life, and my envy of that. I'm not sure there was a topic we didn't cover in the last six months. Not that I've ever been shy about telling her anything and everything.
Apparently, I was the only person who was just talking to her like a friend. Most people, it seems, were scared of her dying. Not of her being ill, but of death itself. Death has never bothered me. She was unafraid of death. It's the most natural thing in the world. We're all going to die. I could die walking out my door tomorrow and being hit by a car. The only difference was that she had a more or less time frame for her demise. I think they were mad at her for leaving them, too. As though she chose cancer.
I feel lucky that I knew I had only so much time with her so that I had a chance to tell her how I felt about her and how much I'd miss her. I know I'll cherish all the time we did have together and I can't imagine that I will ever stop missing her. She's one of three people who know me and understand me and love me, that I never feel alien or awkward around, and who I feel real around.
Mourning is all about selfishness. I'll be alone now. I won't have Dar to talk to. I won't be able to do things with her... me me me. But that's not a bad thing. Mourning is important. You have to adjust to someone not being there anymore and learning that you can be okay without them. However, I don't cope well with people getting weepy about her death who never knew her. I think it's weird and invasive. They can't miss her, they didn't know her. I've been told that it reminds people that they will die, and their loved ones will die, and this makes them sad; some people over-empathize, and others just need the drama. If I squint just right, I can make sense out of the empathy.
I am pretty angry about the situation. Not at Darya. At her "friends". It seems to me that most of them expected her to take care of them forever. She was that sort of person; the one that people turn to for comfort and for help. But when it came down to it, those people didn't turn around and give back. I doubt she ever regretted giving, but I know for a fact she felt bad that people didn't give to her.
One of the things we talked about was that no one was willing to pitch in and help her when they thought she was just tired. Once she had Cancer, well that was something real. And scary. So they backed quietly away. I don't understand that at all. I think love means something very different to me than it does to most people. For everyone who said they loved her and cared about her, very few people came through for her when she needed them. Her family was there, despite their fears and grief.
Realizing now that the last year she was probably getting sicker and sicker, it is easy to understand why she was needing more and more help around the house and had so little energy. I tried to get to her house at least a couple times a month to help her catch up laundry and do little chores, cook her dinner... Just be with her and help her out. I didn't know she was sick, but it never matters to me. My people are my people and I will do anything I can to make their lives easier. I thought she was just worn out from raising two kids and having her husband on the road trying to keep food on the table. That seemed like plenty enough reason to me to help her out. Knowing what I do now, I am even more glad I took the time I did to help where I could. It never seemed like much - work took so much energy - but I know it made her happy.
But it is why I won't go to her memorial. I seriously doubt my ability to be polite to her "friends" who are so sad she is gone and wish they'd had more time with her. Where the hell were they the last six months, then? Where were they the six months before when she was getting sick? As far as I can see, they wanted her when they needed something but when she needed them, they had better things to do. But the death is too new for me to make a scene and make it harder on her family (who *were* there for her, so they deserve better).
So here is my memorial to Dar: You are the mother goddess incarnate. You are love and growth and understanding. You are springtime and early summer. You were my balance. You will be missed.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
New TShirt
I've always wanted to get this shirt, but I hadn't been able to afford it. However, TShirt Hell is going out of business, so I had to grab it before it was gone!
So now I can wear my new shirt with pride, knowing that I rock! And sometimes I flap and bang my head into things! But that doesn't scan as well.
So now I can wear my new shirt with pride, knowing that I rock! And sometimes I flap and bang my head into things! But that doesn't scan as well.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Toxic Diets
There is more talk every day about diet. What is healthful to the body? What foods are toxic? What is the ideal diet?
While I personally think that a lower carb (150-200 grams a day of carbohydrates in any form) is healthful for anyone, I do best on a very low carb diet (45-65 grams a day). I, and many others, have found benefits ranging from weight stabilization to mood stabilization by cutting down carbohydrates. The more I read, though, the more I think that the biggest benefit to low carb is that it naturally cuts down your processed foods.
Most recently is news that high fructose corn syrup is full of mercury (Auntie Zilla's post about it). But that is only the most recent release in a long series of realizations that we are killing our food, and therefore ourselves, with chemicals. All the preservatives and over processing, the cheaper, quicker methods... All they have done is make us sicker for cheaper. This doesn't seem to be a good trade to me.
As more and more people choose organic diets, or at least cut a lot of the processed and refined foods from their diets, the more readily available the healthier choices will be. At the moment, my diet is very expensive. It is all fresh vegetables and (as often as we can afford it) free range organic meats. Usually I settle on cheaper meat because, well, I can afford it! I don't buy much at all in the way of packaged foods. I still buy a few canned goods (organic) and frozen veggies are my friend (too expensive to get organic, unfortunately).
Most people I know eat organic as often as possible and many have allergies to the preservatives and cannot handle refined foods. I am not alone in this by any stretch of the imagination! I know many people with depression and other chemical imbalances who have been greatly helped by a diet rich in fresh foods and lower in carbohydrates - especially white flour and sugar. I know I sure as hell have been. I could not handle my job if I wasn't on such a strict diet.
So why does anyone choose a toxic diet? It isn't easy for any American to be unaware of the dangers in a highly processed pre-packaged diet. I know quite a few people who will say they realize how unhealthy it is and keep eating it! The main reason: healthier diets require knowing how to cook. Plain and simple: if you aren't buying packaged food you are preparing your own food. This is more time consuming and requires more energy.
In order to prepare food, you have to either know recipes or find recipes, prep the food, cook the food... You have more dishes to wash... People aren't taught to really cook anymore. We are taught that we don't have the time and that it is old fashioned. But I think we are going to see more of a return to "old fashioned" in any case.
Because of the financial situation, more people are semi home steading - buying chickens to lay eggs, having small herb and vegetable gardens, cooking from scratch and avoiding fast food... And cooking.
I might be idealistic and silly to think so, but I believe we are going to move away from toxic diets and back to fresh local foods. I see the beginnings of the movement already.
A few healthful links:
Mother Earth News
Elana's Pantry
My recipezaar site (lots of good chefs here, and check out the Once a Month Cooking!)
Dr. Mike's blog
The Heart Scan Blog
While I personally think that a lower carb (150-200 grams a day of carbohydrates in any form) is healthful for anyone, I do best on a very low carb diet (45-65 grams a day). I, and many others, have found benefits ranging from weight stabilization to mood stabilization by cutting down carbohydrates. The more I read, though, the more I think that the biggest benefit to low carb is that it naturally cuts down your processed foods.
Most recently is news that high fructose corn syrup is full of mercury (Auntie Zilla's post about it). But that is only the most recent release in a long series of realizations that we are killing our food, and therefore ourselves, with chemicals. All the preservatives and over processing, the cheaper, quicker methods... All they have done is make us sicker for cheaper. This doesn't seem to be a good trade to me.
As more and more people choose organic diets, or at least cut a lot of the processed and refined foods from their diets, the more readily available the healthier choices will be. At the moment, my diet is very expensive. It is all fresh vegetables and (as often as we can afford it) free range organic meats. Usually I settle on cheaper meat because, well, I can afford it! I don't buy much at all in the way of packaged foods. I still buy a few canned goods (organic) and frozen veggies are my friend (too expensive to get organic, unfortunately).
Most people I know eat organic as often as possible and many have allergies to the preservatives and cannot handle refined foods. I am not alone in this by any stretch of the imagination! I know many people with depression and other chemical imbalances who have been greatly helped by a diet rich in fresh foods and lower in carbohydrates - especially white flour and sugar. I know I sure as hell have been. I could not handle my job if I wasn't on such a strict diet.
So why does anyone choose a toxic diet? It isn't easy for any American to be unaware of the dangers in a highly processed pre-packaged diet. I know quite a few people who will say they realize how unhealthy it is and keep eating it! The main reason: healthier diets require knowing how to cook. Plain and simple: if you aren't buying packaged food you are preparing your own food. This is more time consuming and requires more energy.
In order to prepare food, you have to either know recipes or find recipes, prep the food, cook the food... You have more dishes to wash... People aren't taught to really cook anymore. We are taught that we don't have the time and that it is old fashioned. But I think we are going to see more of a return to "old fashioned" in any case.
Because of the financial situation, more people are semi home steading - buying chickens to lay eggs, having small herb and vegetable gardens, cooking from scratch and avoiding fast food... And cooking.
I might be idealistic and silly to think so, but I believe we are going to move away from toxic diets and back to fresh local foods. I see the beginnings of the movement already.
A few healthful links:
Mother Earth News
Elana's Pantry
My recipezaar site (lots of good chefs here, and check out the Once a Month Cooking!)
Dr. Mike's blog
The Heart Scan Blog
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Work is tough!
Now, don't get me wrong... I don't think work is especially enjoyable for anyone. My job is from home. I remote in to do customer service. So I am several steps happier from those working in a call center!
I also read the IMs from everyone I work with (we basically have an IRC server for work - we can ask questions and get help); I know that they are all stressed and bogged down, too.
Yet I still get the vague impression that I struggle a bit more with the "holding it together and not having a meltdown" aspect of our job. I do much better than my coworkers, however, in other areas. The system upgrades that are causing lags don't really phase me. I don't consider a customer is grumpy or excessively angry just because they are panicked or frustrated at their lack of service... So I have fewer upset customers than most people.
So there are pluses and minuses to my way of viewing the world.
I was really worried that I'd struggle a lot more than I have. Working from home is helping immensely, and so is the structure I receive from my best friend. Every day I cook dinner, which is my favorite hobby, so that helps me calm down. I also get a coffee (fresh ground and brewed in my handy espresso maker with real cream) during the last half of my day.
I haven't been blogging the last few weeks because work had me so bogged down and stressed I was afraid I'd whine terribly. The last thing I want my blog to be is a "why it is so so sad to have autism, we poor poor misunderstood creatures". So I had to wait until I'd found my equilibrium again. As my father says, buoyancy is the key to survival.
I keep jigsaw puzzles going at all times. I can put in a few pieces on breaks and lunch and work on them before and after work to help me focus away from my job. It works wonders!
Really, it's the cooking that keeps me going. Good food, lovely smells from the kitchen all day, a wonderful and nutritious dinner (and lunch next day)... Life is good!
All of my energy outside of work is going towards more cooking. I've been renting DVDs from the library about cooking. I've been checking out new cookbooks. I've been studying online. I'm planning a trip to Denver to pick up herbs and spices!
It's all about perspective. If this job allows me more money to cook better food, it has a major positive!
I also read the IMs from everyone I work with (we basically have an IRC server for work - we can ask questions and get help); I know that they are all stressed and bogged down, too.
Yet I still get the vague impression that I struggle a bit more with the "holding it together and not having a meltdown" aspect of our job. I do much better than my coworkers, however, in other areas. The system upgrades that are causing lags don't really phase me. I don't consider a customer is grumpy or excessively angry just because they are panicked or frustrated at their lack of service... So I have fewer upset customers than most people.
So there are pluses and minuses to my way of viewing the world.
I was really worried that I'd struggle a lot more than I have. Working from home is helping immensely, and so is the structure I receive from my best friend. Every day I cook dinner, which is my favorite hobby, so that helps me calm down. I also get a coffee (fresh ground and brewed in my handy espresso maker with real cream) during the last half of my day.
I haven't been blogging the last few weeks because work had me so bogged down and stressed I was afraid I'd whine terribly. The last thing I want my blog to be is a "why it is so so sad to have autism, we poor poor misunderstood creatures". So I had to wait until I'd found my equilibrium again. As my father says, buoyancy is the key to survival.
I keep jigsaw puzzles going at all times. I can put in a few pieces on breaks and lunch and work on them before and after work to help me focus away from my job. It works wonders!
Really, it's the cooking that keeps me going. Good food, lovely smells from the kitchen all day, a wonderful and nutritious dinner (and lunch next day)... Life is good!
All of my energy outside of work is going towards more cooking. I've been renting DVDs from the library about cooking. I've been checking out new cookbooks. I've been studying online. I'm planning a trip to Denver to pick up herbs and spices!
It's all about perspective. If this job allows me more money to cook better food, it has a major positive!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Auties aren't affectionate??
I keep reading and hearing about the surprise felt about someone autistic being affectionate as a child.
Autism is a neurological disorder that affects the way one processes information. Because one is greatly lacking in filters between parts of the brain and from their senses, things are so overwhelming they often pull back into their own world to protect themselves.
In what way does this mean a child would not be affectionate?
My mother, when I told her I was HFA, looked confused and said "but you were so affectionate as a child"... as though that solved that. My father, on the other hand, said "that explains it. All you kids were different, but you were more different than your sibling". *laughs*
As an adult, I am better capable of dealing with things and have learned to articulate. Now only people who spend substantial amounts of time with me, or know autistics, realize that I am. Funny that everyone who has lived with, worked with, or seriously studied autism can pick me out in a matter of minutes though!
And I am, without any doubt, affectionate. If I like someone, I pet them, snuggle into them, stand very close to them, sit practically in (or actually in) their lap... I find it very difficult to be near anyone I like without touching them.
My faerie godson, Max, is a low functioning autistic (or PDDNOS) and he is quite affectionate. Most of my friends who are autistic are affectionate...
I think this stems from when "autism" only meant the extremely low functioning cases where the nerves are so sensitive the child couldn't be touched. But they still snuggled into things of their choosing and banged into walls to get touch. So even then, it was more a lack of insight than a lack of affection.
However, if you assume a child can't be affectionate, are you going to be as likely to give affection? Or to recognize their attempts at affection? I worry that this concpt keeps autistics from learning about affection or getting their needs met.
The broadening of the autistic spectrum has had interesting ramifications for everyone involved. I would not have counted as autistic when I was going to school. Possibly not even a decade ago. However, my brain certainly works in the same filter-free fashion, so it's good that they are learning more.
I have high hopes that "affectionate" won't be considered anti-autistic for much longer. It's a misconception that can be a self fulfilling prophecy!
Autism is a neurological disorder that affects the way one processes information. Because one is greatly lacking in filters between parts of the brain and from their senses, things are so overwhelming they often pull back into their own world to protect themselves.
In what way does this mean a child would not be affectionate?
My mother, when I told her I was HFA, looked confused and said "but you were so affectionate as a child"... as though that solved that. My father, on the other hand, said "that explains it. All you kids were different, but you were more different than your sibling". *laughs*
As an adult, I am better capable of dealing with things and have learned to articulate. Now only people who spend substantial amounts of time with me, or know autistics, realize that I am. Funny that everyone who has lived with, worked with, or seriously studied autism can pick me out in a matter of minutes though!
And I am, without any doubt, affectionate. If I like someone, I pet them, snuggle into them, stand very close to them, sit practically in (or actually in) their lap... I find it very difficult to be near anyone I like without touching them.
My faerie godson, Max, is a low functioning autistic (or PDDNOS) and he is quite affectionate. Most of my friends who are autistic are affectionate...
I think this stems from when "autism" only meant the extremely low functioning cases where the nerves are so sensitive the child couldn't be touched. But they still snuggled into things of their choosing and banged into walls to get touch. So even then, it was more a lack of insight than a lack of affection.
However, if you assume a child can't be affectionate, are you going to be as likely to give affection? Or to recognize their attempts at affection? I worry that this concpt keeps autistics from learning about affection or getting their needs met.
The broadening of the autistic spectrum has had interesting ramifications for everyone involved. I would not have counted as autistic when I was going to school. Possibly not even a decade ago. However, my brain certainly works in the same filter-free fashion, so it's good that they are learning more.
I have high hopes that "affectionate" won't be considered anti-autistic for much longer. It's a misconception that can be a self fulfilling prophecy!
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