To me, successful disagreement is probably the most important part of any group sticking together. I will most certainly not agree with everyone (probably because they are wrong LOL) and everyone will not agree with me ( )...
I find it very upsetting that most people are not taught how to disagree without a big fuss.
Basic rules to disagree without hurt feelings:
1. No insults. You aren't a moron for disagreeing with me. I guess. In your crazy little world, things just work differently, and I have to accept that. Even if I think you might be stupid, foolish, misinformed, psychotic, or lying, the truth is that I might also be wrong. So it's safer to just say "I disagree because I believe/thought/heard/read a study...." instead of "Maybe you should go back to school, you moron!" (I used that one to a teacher. I think I got kicked out of that class...)
2. No flaming. Please don't actually go light someone's house on fire.
3. Proof is always good. "That's not true" is not nearly as convincing as posting studies, articles, science blogs, etc that prove your point. They might be wrong too, but at least you are wrong in good company. And you are much more likely to convince someone you are right if you have something in writing to back you up. People will believe ANYTHING if it is in print, because printing is still rather magical to our primate brains. Especially if there are numbers in it, too. We don't care what the stats really mean, we just want big pretty numbers interspersed with big words so we know you didn't just make this shit up.
4. Don't disagree with yourself. If you are inconsistent, we're all going to notice. Consistency makes you sound honest, if a bit stubborn. You might still be wrong, but at least you aren't just baiting us. Listing something as a rule and breaking it yourself just makes you look like a jack ass. And agreeing (or disagreeing) with every post ever written just makes you look like a drunk idiot.
5. Know the difference between fact and opinion. It is great to post your opinion. Just don't act like this makes it a fact. Knowing the difference between a study, a theory, and an anecdote is pretty nice too. Also, the difference between witnessing something, hearing it second hand, and urban legend will help you sound like you know what is actually going on. In addition, correlation does not equal causation. Just because a majority of people who are in car accidents will have been shown to have eaten carrots in the week before the accident doesn't mean carrots cause car accidents.
6. I statements. Cheesy, yet highly effective! "You must not have paid attention in third grade!" sounds much more insulting than "I remember learning that...". It also helps you keep #5 straight. "I have tried... and had the result..." is a much more accurate response than "everyone feels better when they...".
7. Don't rehash. If you have already stated your opinion (and a fine opinion it was! We all respected it and enjoyed the way you expressed it!), you really don't need to repost your opinion every time anyone responds, agreeing or disagreeing with you. If you are going to post again, bring along more evidence to support your opinion so you don't sound like a broken record: "I found copy and paste! I am SO gonna win this argument!!"
With these simple rules, everyone can disagree without upsetting others and with their dignity intact.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Boundaries
Wow. It's been a really long time since I've posted. I couldn't think of anything interesting to say.
One thing I have noticed, hanging out lately with more autistics, is that autistics tend to suck at boundaries.
It makes sense. Filters are internal boundaries and we are rather lacking in those. So how do you learn to apply boundaries outside yourself? We lack in a sense of where we end and others begin even physically. So the thoughts of putting up imaginary dividers emotionally and behaviorally is difficult.
Hell, it's difficult for NTs.
What are some basic boundaries?
* My emotions are mine to feel. You don't have to feel them just because I do. Your emotions are yours to feel. I don't feel yours just because you do. (This is a very common lack-of-boundary everywhere. I am sad because you are sad, and now I am angry that I am sad and you didn't feel sad.)
* My choices are mine to make and my consequences resulting are mine to accept. And vice versa: your choices are yours and you can live with the consequences without me trying to rescue you or fix or change it. (Another huge lack-of in general, especially in parenting!)
* Things that bother me don't have to bother you. (Another very common lack-of. You see it mostly in rules and laws where people want their pet peeves to be law so no one is allowed to do them!)
* My beliefs are mine and no one else has to believe them. (You see this lack-of in religion and politics, mostly. My belief is the only one and everyone should believe it.)
Why don't most people have boundaries? They are afraid to be alone. Boundaries seem like they would isolate you, fence you in. People would rather be blended, not quite real, a part of something else. To have boundaries is to declare who and what you are, and few people are that brave.
Boundaries do not isolate, though. They make you a real person, strong in yourself, grounded in who you are. They make you able to find others who are also strong and be friends and partners. Once you are all more real, you are also happier and more stable.
One thing I have noticed, hanging out lately with more autistics, is that autistics tend to suck at boundaries.
It makes sense. Filters are internal boundaries and we are rather lacking in those. So how do you learn to apply boundaries outside yourself? We lack in a sense of where we end and others begin even physically. So the thoughts of putting up imaginary dividers emotionally and behaviorally is difficult.
Hell, it's difficult for NTs.
What are some basic boundaries?
* My emotions are mine to feel. You don't have to feel them just because I do. Your emotions are yours to feel. I don't feel yours just because you do. (This is a very common lack-of-boundary everywhere. I am sad because you are sad, and now I am angry that I am sad and you didn't feel sad.)
* My choices are mine to make and my consequences resulting are mine to accept. And vice versa: your choices are yours and you can live with the consequences without me trying to rescue you or fix or change it. (Another huge lack-of in general, especially in parenting!)
* Things that bother me don't have to bother you. (Another very common lack-of. You see it mostly in rules and laws where people want their pet peeves to be law so no one is allowed to do them!)
* My beliefs are mine and no one else has to believe them. (You see this lack-of in religion and politics, mostly. My belief is the only one and everyone should believe it.)
Why don't most people have boundaries? They are afraid to be alone. Boundaries seem like they would isolate you, fence you in. People would rather be blended, not quite real, a part of something else. To have boundaries is to declare who and what you are, and few people are that brave.
Boundaries do not isolate, though. They make you a real person, strong in yourself, grounded in who you are. They make you able to find others who are also strong and be friends and partners. Once you are all more real, you are also happier and more stable.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Book Rec
I highly recommend this book to everyone!
The Unwritten Social Rules of Social Behavior.
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
It's an interesting insight to how autism works and by explaining how they see the world differently, you can get insight into how NTs seem to function. Personally, I'm still confused that they can carry on a conversation and have coherent thoughts with all their weird emotional ties to everything, but I guess they get used to it so young, they hardly notice.
The Unwritten Social Rules of Social Behavior.
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
It's an interesting insight to how autism works and by explaining how they see the world differently, you can get insight into how NTs seem to function. Personally, I'm still confused that they can carry on a conversation and have coherent thoughts with all their weird emotional ties to everything, but I guess they get used to it so young, they hardly notice.
Friday, December 24, 2010
My Stress Free Christmas
Apparently the trick to having a stress free Christmas is to remove all the stress. Who ever would have thought?!? *laughing*
So, I took my Imooto and Boy to and Irish Christmas concert. It was wonderful fun. Relaxed. We all dressed up and just enjoyed the music and one another's company. I don't think any of us are Christian. Not really sure. So that helped too. No weird lectures on god while trying to enjoy Irish tunes.
Then I had Imooto over to do baking. All her gifts got made and I got to enjoy her company again. No stress there, beyond going to stores to get ingredients. And that is a stress every week so I can roll with it. While we were out, we checked to see if Christmas meant sewing machines on sale. It did not. Epic fail. But I bought one anyway for my nieces, since we were there.
So then all her presents were done with low stress and much fun. So win for her.
Finally, I had friends stop by on three different days to just get coffee and catch up. They swung by while going to other holiday events, I think. Anyway, low key and just chatted. No presents or obligations. Just relaxed fun.
Finally, my mom wanted to get me a present so I told her I needed dance shoes. Mission accomplished in one trip. And I got to spend a day with her. Since we're getting along pretty well, that was good.
I also spent a couple days hanging out with my step dad and we did a trip to buy presents for his grandson. And he kept that totally low key and not stressful, too. There was no "what did you buy for whom?" or reminders that I should be more *fill in the blank*.
So, presents were accomplished (sewing machine, concert, and I fed Imooto when she was here cooking). Enjoyment of friends happened. Nothing else need be done.
I got last minute invites to both parents for dinner (Mom tonight and dad tomorrow) and I'm so lacking in stress, I agreed (with time limits). I'm not stressed about either. Dad's will be harder, as there will be a lot more people, including children. But I'll bring a good book and hand sewing and hide away. They think I'm weird and avoid me anyway :)
Plus, the dad dinner is lacking dessert. Don't ask ME how that happens. So I have the joy today of making truffles. Bwahahaha. And mom asked me to make my cranberry sauce. Cooking is always happiness.
So there you have it. Remove stress. Have an enjoyable holiday.
So, I took my Imooto and Boy to and Irish Christmas concert. It was wonderful fun. Relaxed. We all dressed up and just enjoyed the music and one another's company. I don't think any of us are Christian. Not really sure. So that helped too. No weird lectures on god while trying to enjoy Irish tunes.
Then I had Imooto over to do baking. All her gifts got made and I got to enjoy her company again. No stress there, beyond going to stores to get ingredients. And that is a stress every week so I can roll with it. While we were out, we checked to see if Christmas meant sewing machines on sale. It did not. Epic fail. But I bought one anyway for my nieces, since we were there.
So then all her presents were done with low stress and much fun. So win for her.
Finally, I had friends stop by on three different days to just get coffee and catch up. They swung by while going to other holiday events, I think. Anyway, low key and just chatted. No presents or obligations. Just relaxed fun.
Finally, my mom wanted to get me a present so I told her I needed dance shoes. Mission accomplished in one trip. And I got to spend a day with her. Since we're getting along pretty well, that was good.
I also spent a couple days hanging out with my step dad and we did a trip to buy presents for his grandson. And he kept that totally low key and not stressful, too. There was no "what did you buy for whom?" or reminders that I should be more *fill in the blank*.
So, presents were accomplished (sewing machine, concert, and I fed Imooto when she was here cooking). Enjoyment of friends happened. Nothing else need be done.
I got last minute invites to both parents for dinner (Mom tonight and dad tomorrow) and I'm so lacking in stress, I agreed (with time limits). I'm not stressed about either. Dad's will be harder, as there will be a lot more people, including children. But I'll bring a good book and hand sewing and hide away. They think I'm weird and avoid me anyway :)
Plus, the dad dinner is lacking dessert. Don't ask ME how that happens. So I have the joy today of making truffles. Bwahahaha. And mom asked me to make my cranberry sauce. Cooking is always happiness.
So there you have it. Remove stress. Have an enjoyable holiday.
Friday, December 17, 2010
How to Create Charisma
How to Create Charisma in four easy steps!!!
1. Create ego. Before you can gain real confidence, you have to fake it. But that is what a ginormous ego is for!! Start listing every tiny thing about you that you can stand and put it on the "AWESOME THINGS ABOUT ME" list. Eventually, you will realize the scope of your awesomeness and your ego will grow.
2. Create positiveness. You have to be able to keep going if your evil plots are foiled; learn to give a laugh (preferably an evil chortle) and know that you are more awesome than any lame ass hero and will live to conquer them at some undetermined point in the future.
Remember to compliment others. Your people will rise up for you against an enemy more out of love than fear! Your underlings need encouragement and they need to bask in the glow of your awesomeness. The worse thing to happen to your plans is for one of your minions to leave and tell your secrets. Make them want to stay with you. If you really can't muster good feelings in others, shock collars are an option as well.
And finally, enjoy yourself. It shows if you are just going through the motions. If you are no longer enjoying yourself, find a new way of doing things. It might just be that you need a different perspective. Most of the joy in life is expressing yourself. Have fun creating your signature behaviors!
3. Create self esteem to bolster your ego. By this point you should actually be starting to like yourself. You know you are awesome, that you will foil your enemies, and those around you admire you. This bolsters your huge ego by holding it up with more than just hot air.
People are really drawn to those who like themselves. Most people want to be told what to do and if you like yourself, they will like you, entirely because you do. Liking yourself creates a trend that, like gravity, draws people in to you. Also, like gravity, it makes it harder for them to escape. If they try, don't hesitate to use shock collars.
Remember, anyone who fails to admire you is obviously an idiot or so neurotic that they fear how bad you make them look.
4. Take joy in life. If you have the first three points down, joy just happens. Everything you do is great fun if you are positive and full of ego and self esteem. People cannot help liking you and this is fun too. Joy is taking delight in yourself and the world around you.
Don't listen to anyone that says if you are positive and happy you have to do "good works". You can kill and destroy from a place of love. In fact, I cannot imagine a better place from which TO kill and destroy.
Congratulations! With these four attributes, people will flock to you. They will beg to be your minions and will enjoy doing your bidding!
1. Create ego. Before you can gain real confidence, you have to fake it. But that is what a ginormous ego is for!! Start listing every tiny thing about you that you can stand and put it on the "AWESOME THINGS ABOUT ME" list. Eventually, you will realize the scope of your awesomeness and your ego will grow.
2. Create positiveness. You have to be able to keep going if your evil plots are foiled; learn to give a laugh (preferably an evil chortle) and know that you are more awesome than any lame ass hero and will live to conquer them at some undetermined point in the future.
Remember to compliment others. Your people will rise up for you against an enemy more out of love than fear! Your underlings need encouragement and they need to bask in the glow of your awesomeness. The worse thing to happen to your plans is for one of your minions to leave and tell your secrets. Make them want to stay with you. If you really can't muster good feelings in others, shock collars are an option as well.
And finally, enjoy yourself. It shows if you are just going through the motions. If you are no longer enjoying yourself, find a new way of doing things. It might just be that you need a different perspective. Most of the joy in life is expressing yourself. Have fun creating your signature behaviors!
3. Create self esteem to bolster your ego. By this point you should actually be starting to like yourself. You know you are awesome, that you will foil your enemies, and those around you admire you. This bolsters your huge ego by holding it up with more than just hot air.
People are really drawn to those who like themselves. Most people want to be told what to do and if you like yourself, they will like you, entirely because you do. Liking yourself creates a trend that, like gravity, draws people in to you. Also, like gravity, it makes it harder for them to escape. If they try, don't hesitate to use shock collars.
Remember, anyone who fails to admire you is obviously an idiot or so neurotic that they fear how bad you make them look.
4. Take joy in life. If you have the first three points down, joy just happens. Everything you do is great fun if you are positive and full of ego and self esteem. People cannot help liking you and this is fun too. Joy is taking delight in yourself and the world around you.
Don't listen to anyone that says if you are positive and happy you have to do "good works". You can kill and destroy from a place of love. In fact, I cannot imagine a better place from which TO kill and destroy.
Congratulations! With these four attributes, people will flock to you. They will beg to be your minions and will enjoy doing your bidding!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Dance Class!
I haven't written in forever. Work exploded and got on a new project (a BETTER project) and had to get through training and then I got a cold and blah blah blah.
So as soon as I got my raise on my new project, I signed up for ballroom classes!!!
My mom got me dance shoes for Christmas, and I'm working on leotards and knee length skirts! WOOT!
I loves to dance :) I'm not sure if I am any good at it, but I adore it so I don't care. Like singing. Only I know my singing isn't great. But with years of voice lessons I bet I could carry a tune in a bucket.
I'll think of something spiffy to blog about soon! I'm thinking of practicing a Christmas letter here...
So as soon as I got my raise on my new project, I signed up for ballroom classes!!!
My mom got me dance shoes for Christmas, and I'm working on leotards and knee length skirts! WOOT!
I loves to dance :) I'm not sure if I am any good at it, but I adore it so I don't care. Like singing. Only I know my singing isn't great. But with years of voice lessons I bet I could carry a tune in a bucket.
I'll think of something spiffy to blog about soon! I'm thinking of practicing a Christmas letter here...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
financial aid GAH
So I'm in the pointless running in circles point of school. They changed my schedule at work so I'll miss too much of class for a Pell Grant. So I have an email in to my instructor to get more details (ie: can I pass with only half the class taken, and can she count me as there even if I leave halfway through?) and, if all goes well, I'll use the Pell Grant next term (in ten weeks). In the meantime, I'm still fighting with work about my schedule.
So it'll be... interesting.
I really really wanna learn how to sew well. I want to be able to make Vickie fashions and cosplay. Is that so much to ask?? At the moment, that DOES give me this term to finish the niece's winter skirts, my winter skirts, and more jammie pants for work as I outgrew all the ones I had.
I'm also trying to figure out a more or less polite way to back off certain relatives without alienating the couple I can stand. My auntie gave me the best method so going to work on that. I'm very proud. I was pretty sure that gushing over something you previously hated probably meant you were lying about no longer hating it and I was indeed correct. I'm getting pretty good at this social shit! *beams proudly* Lookie me with Social Skillz. Not mad social skillz... but like... one. >.>
I also went to this site for scholarships and while it states they have scholarships for trade schools, it doesn't list any or link to any. So while it's very nice to know they exist, I'm not closer to getting applications out. I need someone to stop by and hold my hand and make it work because financial aid is financial aid. They don't actually want to help you in any way. I suppose it's rather comforting because I do so hate change!!!
On another note: I didn't get any bug bites sleeping on my mat on the other side of the room, reinforcing my idea that these are newly hatched baby wolf spiders and I was in the hunting zone between the cat food and the cat litter. So I think I'll set my newly washing sleeping mat across the room and stay out of there way. I loves my little wolf spiders. Other than gnawing on me, they also keep all the other bugs cleaned up. Nom, little spiders. Nom nom nom. ^_^
I now work an extra 90 minutes per shift. (Hence the eating into school time...) So no more having to scrounge for enough overtime to hit forty hours. Yes, it took 90 minutes per shift for me to hit 40. Life will be MUCH easier with these hours if I can just get school to work around it for me...
I'll come up with something much "deeper" and more significant later. At the moment I just realized I hadn't blogged in a while. Of course, when I opened this I realized it hadn't been that long but I hadn't remembered writing it but it did sound awful familiar when I read it so good on my crazy brain and all the people in it working together to write a blog! Go team awesome.
So it'll be... interesting.
I really really wanna learn how to sew well. I want to be able to make Vickie fashions and cosplay. Is that so much to ask?? At the moment, that DOES give me this term to finish the niece's winter skirts, my winter skirts, and more jammie pants for work as I outgrew all the ones I had.
I'm also trying to figure out a more or less polite way to back off certain relatives without alienating the couple I can stand. My auntie gave me the best method so going to work on that. I'm very proud. I was pretty sure that gushing over something you previously hated probably meant you were lying about no longer hating it and I was indeed correct. I'm getting pretty good at this social shit! *beams proudly* Lookie me with Social Skillz. Not mad social skillz... but like... one. >.>
I also went to this site for scholarships and while it states they have scholarships for trade schools, it doesn't list any or link to any. So while it's very nice to know they exist, I'm not closer to getting applications out. I need someone to stop by and hold my hand and make it work because financial aid is financial aid. They don't actually want to help you in any way. I suppose it's rather comforting because I do so hate change!!!
On another note: I didn't get any bug bites sleeping on my mat on the other side of the room, reinforcing my idea that these are newly hatched baby wolf spiders and I was in the hunting zone between the cat food and the cat litter. So I think I'll set my newly washing sleeping mat across the room and stay out of there way. I loves my little wolf spiders. Other than gnawing on me, they also keep all the other bugs cleaned up. Nom, little spiders. Nom nom nom. ^_^
I now work an extra 90 minutes per shift. (Hence the eating into school time...) So no more having to scrounge for enough overtime to hit forty hours. Yes, it took 90 minutes per shift for me to hit 40. Life will be MUCH easier with these hours if I can just get school to work around it for me...
I'll come up with something much "deeper" and more significant later. At the moment I just realized I hadn't blogged in a while. Of course, when I opened this I realized it hadn't been that long but I hadn't remembered writing it but it did sound awful familiar when I read it so good on my crazy brain and all the people in it working together to write a blog! Go team awesome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)